Good Men and Women Really Do Cry
By Chaplain Jerry Montgomery
Sometimes, it is good to re-visit the basics of our common calling and hear once again, that popular question, "What do you say to someone in their time of grief following a personal tragedy?"
There is really nothing that anyone can say that is adequate to the pain and suffering of deep personal loss. To say to another, "I know exactly how you feel," is always false, and tends to cut the other off from expressing his or her feelings.
Our presence and our willingness to listen, without trying to give answers or interject our own stories, are both gifts that each of us in the fire service can provide. We can simply be present, and we can listen.
Chaplains often describe their professional roles as "a ministry of presence" and act as if this ministry is for members of an exclusive club.
Chaplains must remember to demonstrate that being present in a time of tragedy is not a task for professionals only. We have no magic, we don't do incantations, and miracles definitely are God's business.
The gift of presence is a way each of us can reach out to one another in time of need. It makes a difference.
We may all raise the question "why" following a tragedy. But our deepest need is not for answers, because, in reality, our most painful questions have no answers. Any attempt to deliver cheap answers or religious doctrine is less than helpful. Ultimate, those cheap answers and doctrinal utterances hurt the victims and chaplaincy itself.
What makes a profound difference is someone who will stand near, listen to the cries of anguish and pain. And, by their presence, assure those who need to know that indeed someone cares.
One evening not long ago I was engaged in my favorite sport, web surfing. In a story about smokejumpers I found a word-picture of successful presence of ministry that perfectly describes "presence"
And with the twin deathblows at Storm King Mountain, the McCall family has become that much closer. In fact, Jim Thrash's funeral, attended by hundreds, turned into a spectacle of small-town jumper solidarity, as much a tribute to the jumper life as to Thrash himself. The jumpers, including the pastor, wore their fire boots in honor of Thrash and used their fire shovels to bury him. His casket was draped with a parachute, and he was buried with a Dodgers baseball cap, a fire shirt, a bottle of scotch, and a eulogy read by jumper Greg Beck.
(from a story written by Michael Paterniti, for "Outside" magazine, September 1995, which you can find on the Internet at: http://www.outsidemag.com/magazine/0995/9f_torc1.html )
It is so easy to draw back because you don't know what to say. Surprisingly, it is just as easy to be present and to listen.
And in that moment of being present, all those who are gifted with that special opportunity need to experience fully the feelings that pour out.
It is an act of caring, not shame or embarrassment, to share in the feelings of tragedy and it does make a difference!
In those special moments, good men and women really do cry.
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Chaplain Jerry Montgomery is with the King County, WA, Sheriff's Department and serves as ICPC webmaster. This article first appeared in the ICPC Northwest Region newsletter, June 2000.